I recently heard from an old friend. She worked for me in the school and I had lost touch with her. This was meaningful in the fact that she said she had felt impressed to write the message to me. I believe she was impressed, if not inspired, to do so. Aside from a few very close and trusted people, most of the people I know don't know of the battle I have been fighting for the past four years. It has had a powerful impact on my physical as well as my emotional health. It has been an overwhelming season of grief and I have suffered it alone because my own family discounts the depth of my feelings and the reasons for my grief (which, by the way, are many and complex.)
One aspect of this trial of my faith has been my sense of having lost my purpose. I have always tried to love and serve other people as a way of loving God, but with my age and heath-related limitations, I don't feel as if I'm able to do this in any meaningful way. Consequently, I have moments when I feel as if my life were in vain; as if I have somehow failed the people I love most. I was drowning in this darkness when I received Val's note. Here is what she said:
I think about you nearly every day, and felt inspired to send you a message... I want to let you know how much I admire and love you! You have been one of the only people in my life that has loved, inspired, and believed in me unconditionally, and I appreciate that daily. Thank you for being my mentor and friend. … Love you!
I have no doubt but what she was inspired. God loves us and is aware of our struggles. He ministers to us daily, but He often does so through the hands of others. I was in such a dark place and I had prayed (as I often do) for some relief. Then came this message. Reading that someone who I still love and care about still loves and cares about me was like a ray of sunshine. In reaffirming her love for me and her recognition that my life made a difference in her life was as if God Himself was saying, Well done, my good and faithful servant.
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The fear and anger you are feeling is grief.
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This is a dark time for all of us. A tiny virus has brought the world to its knees. It has taken lives, created grief, stalled economies, taxed our leaders, and tried our faith. When our Prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, called for a day of fasting and prayer for this pandemic, I rejoiced, thinking of how many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints would be combining their prayers of faith across the globe. What I never expected was this explosion of faith, prayer, and testimony from thousands of people of all colors, creeds, and nationalities. This has been like that ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark world.
The ancient Apostle Paul wrote to the Romans: And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. (Romans 5:3-4)
It is difficult to glory in tribulation when we are in the midst of it, but in my own life in retrospect, I have been shaped by every trial and tribulation I have experienced and I am grateful for a loving Savior Who provides that peace of God which passeth all understanding. (Philippians 4: 7) I glory in the tribulations which had made me a more loving, patient, and compassionate person.
I pray for all who struggle during this time of tribulation that the day will come for them that they may find peace and glory in the hope and love of God.
© Dr. Kathleen Rawlings Buntin Danielson, May 2020
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