WHAT DOES JACOB 5 SAY TO ME?

The challenge has always been to liken the scriptures to our own situation.  In this way, the Holy Spirit can teach us individually according to our needs. Some days, this is easy.  Other days, I need to work a little harder.  Today is one of those days.

I am going to begin by taking inventory: what is my current situation? Feel free to walk with me.

5 years ago, I was deeply involved in service to a dear friend, a sister, and my community via a school I founded and helped to administer.  Life was on overload, but very fulfilling. I was particularly drawn to a close bond with my friend.

4 years ago, I left it all behind.  I retired from my job, I left my home and community, leaving my sister behind. I moved to be closer to family, but my apartment was far enough away that none of them came to see me. I sunk into the deepest depression I have ever experienced in my life. Even with medication and treatment, I sunk lower into despair as it became more and more apparent that I had totally lost my dear friend.  I began to doubt myself and doubt the friendship.  I felt used and rejected. My friend's family turned on me.  My own family were critical and not supportive.  I lost my will to live.  Despite hard work, prayer, and therapy, I don't think I have found it yet. My life has become one of deteriorating physical health, loss of independence, and social isolation. The isolation of the Corona Virus was not a change for me.  Social distancing has been my way of life for years.  I have prayed for physical, mental/emotional and spiritual healing.  Like the Apostle Paul, I have come to accept my current situation as my personal thorn in the flesh. 

I am still in the pool above.  I have accepted reality, but am struggling to reorganize.  Just when I think I'm there, the Adversary intervenes, bringing up memories of my lost friendship.  I then plunge back into the deep water of grief.  While I have reached acceptance, for the most part, I have yet to find peace and I have no desire to love again.  This is a personal tragedy because loving as Christ loves has always been one of my spiritual gifts and a blessing to share with others.  My personal epitaph could read: She loved and served the Lord by loving and serving His children. My feeling numb is not serving anyone.  I still struggle to find my way to shore.  I've come to believe the only way I can have my life back is to lose it - literally - and cross the veil. Only the Lord will decide the timing on that.  

What do Jacob, Zenos, the Olive Tree, and the Spirit teach me?

• The Lord of the Vineyard has nourished and cared for me for over 75 years, through good fruit and bad and I've produced both.
• He has also trimmed me back when necessary.  A year after Carmon died, I was outside pruning the trees in my little orchard.  One tree was particularly overgrown and I had to cut away a lot.  I apoligized for hurting the tree and for neglecting it.  I told the tree, "I'm sorry that I didn't do this last year." The Spirit whispered to me distinctly, "Last year, I was pruning you."
• As I approach the end of my life, I am being pruned again. This time, the Lord of the Vineyard is cutting away a lot.  I've not only lost my friend, but I've lost myself.  I've lost my health.  I've lost my independence. I've lost my ability to teach, speak, and write with power I had before. But I have not lost everything.  My roots are still alive and strong. In Jacob I read: [Thy roots] are alive and they have not perished; wherefore thou beholdest that they are yet good. (v 34)
  

I come from strong root stock in the form of my pioneer ancestors, who recognized the true Church of Jesus Christ when they saw it and moved forward with faith in every footstep.  They were among those tender branches which had been planted in the nethermost parts of the vineyard.  As they came into the Church (often at great cost and always with great effort) they were grafted into the mother root of Israel and began to produce fruit.  Most of it was good, but as time went on, some of it became weak and withered.  I do not want to be counted among the weak and withered branches of my family tree, even though that is how I feel at the moment. I have not been forsaken.  The Lord, while pruning me of my pride, is also quietly nourishing and blessing me.

What would you have me learn Jacob? A more complete commitment? Repentance? More prayer? More study? Finding ways to serve with love despite my limitations? All of the above?

Growing the Lord's vineyard is a complex procedure.  I will not despise it or fear it, and I will try to stay patient in the process.

© March 2020 Dr. Kathleen Rawlings Buntin Danielson